|| fucking gross
You know what time it is, yo.
And I'm not even trying to imitate Flava Flav. It's time for another one of those emo self-pity entries.
Sometimes I hate it here. The thing that I wanted the most, to come here, isn't as wonderful as I thought it would be. It's so hard meeting new people. My roommate is black, and therefore only hangs out with black people. This automatically excludes me. I wanted a roommate I could go to parties with, and go eat with, and meet new people with. I wanted someone I could be friends with. I hope my roommate is cool next year. If I even make it there.
Yeah. I might not even fucking pass this semester. Don't tell anyone though. I've been lying to everyone for the past 4 months, reassuring them that my grades are fine and I AM fine and that everything is WONDERFUL and that I'm HAPPY here. I've missed quite a few days in one of my classes, and I missed a whole damn test in another one of my classes (ALGEBRA). I blame my classes. And my suitemate. And my alarm clock. Never myself. Because then I don't have to face reality.
I need to pass 9 hours, which equals 3 of my classes. Japanese and EC will be no problem, but the other two...well, if I can just bring myself to write this motherfucking paper for Russian and prepare myself for the final I'll be fine, whether I pass algebra or not. It really would be nice to pass goddamn algebra though, you know? I'm such a FUCK UP. I always do this. I constantly get myself into unsavory situations and then I have to end up struggling just to get by. THIS ISN'T HOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE! I WAS SUPPOSED TO COME TO COLLEGE AND BE FIERCE. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE BRILLIANT. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SUPAHOT, AND BE A GENIUS, AND BE POPULAR, AND ::GASP:: FIND A BEAUTIFUL, GORGEOUS, CARING, PERFECT BOY THAT LOVED ME. Examing my current life, I see that I have not accomplished any of the aforementioned things. But I really am hoping that I will be able to complete those things in this upcoming semester. More than anything I want lifelong friends. I want to get a great education. I want to be involved. And most of all, I WANT TO BE HAPPY.
However, I've come to the conclusion that it is impossible for me to ever really be truly happy. There's something wrong with my genes. I contracted some inhibitory disease. I'll never have this, but I'll always yearn for it.
If I can just somehow make it to next semester. My classes are later, and hopefully easier. Here I am again, beseeching God for another get out of jail free card. He's given me so many already, I worry that he's going to teach me a lesson this time. But I learned the lesson, and if I could just have a chance to, I would prove it.
So I finally did something with a boy. I don't really like this boy at all. I'm not attracted to him. He gets on my nerves. I think he's stupid. But he liked me. I just wanted to feel wanted. Nobody has ever wanted me like that before, no matter how much I have wanted them to. "It" was so awkward. He wouldn't make the first move. I had to ask to see his bedroom. I had to turn the lights off. I had to touch his dick first. I had to go down first. He just sat there. I got him off and he didn't even touch me afterward. I tried to kiss him but he almost devoured my face and his breath smelled of coffee. We didn't talk for like a week afterwards and when we finally did he was an asshole, so I'm never talking to him again. I'll never forgive myself for doing that. I'm just going to try really hard to forget it ever happened. I don't need another fucking loser in my life. I don't need some fucked up little boy. I need a man, a man who is not afraid to touch me or kiss me, who can make me feel comfortable and important. He used me. I feel like Buffy after Parker. He will never feel my mouth around his dick again though. I'll never give myself up again. I feel like a dirty whore. At least I'm still a virgin--in that sense anyway. I would not have let him have that even if he had begged me for it.