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[10 Sep 2008|09:30pm]
[ mood | nauseated ]

Did you think that I was gonna give it up to you this time? Did you think that it was something I was gonna do and cry?

I don't understand why you would take me off your friends list.
I didn't do anything to you.
If anything, you were the one that did something to me.
You knew that I didn't want to have sex with you.
I just wanted to hang out.
Especially since I don't even fucking know you.

But you decided it'd be fun to watch a porn.
And to seduce me.
But I wouldn't let you have that part of me.
You will NEVER have that part of me.
You'll never have any part of me ever again.
As far as I'm concerned you're fucking dead to me.

Oh, and you just confirmed that you are, indeed, dead to me.
You're a fucking asshole, and it's kind of sad on your part, because I never thought that's who you were.

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[11 Jun 2008|05:12pm]
and sometimes i really do believe that everything will turn out the way it's supposed to.

i absolutely cannot wait to get leg magic.
i hope it'll help me lose weight.
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[23 Apr 2008|07:39pm]
and sometimes i really feel that the world would be a much better place if i would just blow my fucking brains out.
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as I lay there alone in this big empty bed, nothing but thoughts of you in my head. [27 Dec 2006|01:16am]
I just want someone to fucking love.
someone that actually motherfucking LOVES ME BACK.
not just a fucking crush. like the million I already have.

I wish I were dead. And I really mean it. God I'm such a fucking waste of a human being.
I just want to feel alive.
I don't want to be used anymore. But maybe I should just accept that that's the best I'll ever get. Wow. I can suck dick. That's nice. That seems to be the only thing anyone would ever want from me. Oral sex.

My head hurts so fucking bad. I hope I have an inoperable brain tumor that will cause me to die before tomorrow. really. I hate sounding so fucking emo all the time, but what can I say?

I wish I had the guts. I do have the guts. I just don't have the gall.

I just don't want anyone to fucking hear about how I finally did it. I don't want them to know that I killed myself.

watching in slow motion as you turn around and say, "take my breath away."

I don't want them to know that I gave up. I wouldn't want them to know that. I'd just want them to think that I ran away. I need strength. I need SOMETHING. GODFUCKINGDAMNITTTTTTTTT.
I just want something OF MY OWN.
EVERYONE ELSE HAVE SOMETHING. or someone really. that's what this whole thing is about.

I promise. I am making a promise right here and now that I will lose that weight again. I'm so fucking fat and gross. No wonder anyone would ever look at me. I just need to lose the weight. Well, then at least I might be decent LOOKING.

decent looking enough for someone to not just want me to suck their dick in the dark while they clench their eyes shut and pretend I'm someone hotter. someone better.

I CAN DO THIS. I can get skinny again. My whole life's been a huge eating disorder.

...when the lights go down and there's nothing left to be.
when the lights go down and the truth is all you see
and I wonder if all my lies are found...
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[21 Dec 2006|10:14pm]
And I'm just waiting.
waiting for that day when I'll be able to listen to Kelly Clarkson's "You Found Me"
and it'll have real meaning.

I'm just waiting
like I've done for as long as I can remember now.
waiting for my turn.
waiting for something for ME.

Santa, can you hear me?
I have been so good this year...
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[05 Dec 2006|03:57pm]
I definitely don't need any drama from friends back home today. ESPECIALLY not today.

I love hypocrites.

And I love drama queens too.


I just want some semblance of normalcy in my life.
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Without you is how I disappear. [04 Dec 2006|08:55pm]
[ mood | fucking gross ]

You know what time it is, yo.
And I'm not even trying to imitate Flava Flav. It's time for another one of those emo self-pity entries.

Sometimes I hate it here. The thing that I wanted the most, to come here, isn't as wonderful as I thought it would be. It's so hard meeting new people. My roommate is black, and therefore only hangs out with black people. This automatically excludes me. I wanted a roommate I could go to parties with, and go eat with, and meet new people with. I wanted someone I could be friends with. I hope my roommate is cool next year. If I even make it there.

Yeah. I might not even fucking pass this semester. Don't tell anyone though. I've been lying to everyone for the past 4 months, reassuring them that my grades are fine and I AM fine and that everything is WONDERFUL and that I'm HAPPY here. I've missed quite a few days in one of my classes, and I missed a whole damn test in another one of my classes (ALGEBRA). I blame my classes. And my suitemate. And my alarm clock. Never myself. Because then I don't have to face reality.

I need to pass 9 hours, which equals 3 of my classes. Japanese and EC will be no problem, but the other two...well, if I can just bring myself to write this motherfucking paper for Russian and prepare myself for the final I'll be fine, whether I pass algebra or not. It really would be nice to pass goddamn algebra though, you know? I'm such a FUCK UP. I always do this. I constantly get myself into unsavory situations and then I have to end up struggling just to get by. THIS ISN'T HOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE! I WAS SUPPOSED TO COME TO COLLEGE AND BE FIERCE. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE BRILLIANT. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SUPAHOT, AND BE A GENIUS, AND BE POPULAR, AND ::GASP:: FIND A BEAUTIFUL, GORGEOUS, CARING, PERFECT BOY THAT LOVED ME. Examing my current life, I see that I have not accomplished any of the aforementioned things. But I really am hoping that I will be able to complete those things in this upcoming semester. More than anything I want lifelong friends. I want to get a great education. I want to be involved. And most of all, I WANT TO BE HAPPY.

However, I've come to the conclusion that it is impossible for me to ever really be truly happy. There's something wrong with my genes. I contracted some inhibitory disease. I'll never have this, but I'll always yearn for it.

If I can just somehow make it to next semester. My classes are later, and hopefully easier. Here I am again, beseeching God for another get out of jail free card. He's given me so many already, I worry that he's going to teach me a lesson this time. But I learned the lesson, and if I could just have a chance to, I would prove it.

So I finally did something with a boy. I don't really like this boy at all. I'm not attracted to him. He gets on my nerves. I think he's stupid. But he liked me. I just wanted to feel wanted. Nobody has ever wanted me like that before, no matter how much I have wanted them to. "It" was so awkward. He wouldn't make the first move. I had to ask to see his bedroom. I had to turn the lights off. I had to touch his dick first. I had to go down first. He just sat there. I got him off and he didn't even touch me afterward. I tried to kiss him but he almost devoured my face and his breath smelled of coffee. We didn't talk for like a week afterwards and when we finally did he was an asshole, so I'm never talking to him again. I'll never forgive myself for doing that. I'm just going to try really hard to forget it ever happened. I don't need another fucking loser in my life. I don't need some fucked up little boy. I need a man, a man who is not afraid to touch me or kiss me, who can make me feel comfortable and important. He used me. I feel like Buffy after Parker. He will never feel my mouth around his dick again though. I'll never give myself up again. I feel like a dirty whore. At least I'm still a virgin--in that sense anyway. I would not have let him have that even if he had begged me for it.

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[09 Aug 2006|02:34am]
[ mood | sad ]

You had me at hello.

You know you can have me.
You know I'll let you.
I'd do anything for you
name it; I'd do it without skipping a beat.

Don't be so fucking shy.
Nobody would ever find out.

I love you.
I wish I could tell you that without you freaking.
You're my best friend...I don't want to lose you
even though I'm going to in a few days.
God, I'm going to miss you so much
you don't even know...
I love you...

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[09 Apr 2006|09:48pm]
prom was last night.
I wish I were a normal teenager.
I could have gotten drunk
but I didn't.
not really by choice though
because I would if I could have.
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[09 Apr 2006|09:45pm]
so fucking annoying. please fucking leave. thanks. goddamnit.

I shouldn't have to put on my pants just because my mom has her friends and their kids over.

I really can't wait to leave. I'm never coming back. There's nothing or no one in this damn place that I'd ever have a reason to.
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[03 Apr 2006|12:18am]
I'm dying
why do I do this to myself!?
I'm such a stupid twatface.

I am so fucking sick of school.
thirty some more days.

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Singing songs that make you slit your wrists. [01 Feb 2006|11:55pm]
I am the worst manager ever. I get frustrated way too easily and I just bottle up all of my anger until it threatens to explode. I hate when that happens because when it does I KNOW people hate working with me. I want to quit so fucking bad. I'm tired of all the bullshit. I'm tired of all the crappy hours, having to work understaffed, and busting my ass for shit pay. fuckkkk. at least tomorrow's payday. ::eyeroll::

And I wish I just knew for sure. I wish I could read people's minds. Then I wouldn't have to think about it so much. I'd just know. And I'd know what to do.
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[29 Jan 2006|08:49pm]
Everyone's forgotten me.

One of my greatest fears is being alone.
Looks like I'll just have to be scared for the rest of my life.
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[04 Jan 2006|11:49pm]
and I don't even care anymore.
I swear that i don't.

Why should I?
He's NOT mine to begin with. I have NO fucking right to be jealous. I never will either.

God I just don't understand why no one can ever see me in that way.
Oh, wait, nevermind, I do. I'm fucking gross. I'm a fucking cow.
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[02 Jan 2006|11:24pm]
and I'm still stupid and I'm still kidding myself. I have no chance in hell with him or anyone else for that matter.

Why do I keep disillusioning myself like this? If I keep making shit up in my head then I'm going to go even more crazy than I already am.

all he wants is that something to hold onto
that's all he needs.

Dear, stop kidding yourself. You're nothing to anyone. Not even to yourself. You're completely worthless. An expendable waste of semen and ova. I wish I could just drive off of a fucking cliff or something, because I can't take this shit much longer. I swear if something good doesn't happen to me I'm just going to go crazy. Crazier than I already am, perhaps. GODDAMNIT.

If I could just get caught up with my schoolwork. If I could just get into UNC. If I could just have someone want me like I want them. But clearly this is all too much to ask for.

I just wish that the machine would have fucked up even more today when I was donating my blood. I wish it would have accidentally drained all mine out. Or injected me with a poison or something.

See, I'm not totally a bad person. I like to donate blood. It saves lives. So where the hell is my fucking karma? When will karma ever come back to me? I'm nice, right? Right, God? please agree. I try to not be mean. Sometimes it slips but I punish myself, so I'm still good, right? I need to be punished for existing though, because my existence is SIN. I'm SIN. I'm fucking immoral and WRONGGGGGGGG. Nobody understands. Nobody would ever listen to this shit. I love you journal. You're the only one I can REALLY talk to.
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[01 Jan 2006|12:06am]
[ mood | crushed ]

I'm so fucking tired.
And I'm so fucking retarded.

I could fuck anything up even if it was unfuckable, I swear. I'm stupid as shit.
He thinks I'm so fucking stupid now. I'm never getting invited over---EVER. His family thinks I'm fucking stupid too...

watch me break and watch me burn.
no one is listening, my friends.

And I'm such a fucking dumbass in the first place. God, I could never have him. I could never have anyone. So PLEASE stop letting me think of him in that way. Just let me think of him as another random stupid person. But if I could ever have that it'd make me so goddamned happy.

I missed the New Year's Party...the first one in years. Fuck my family. Like they even give a shit about me in the first place. Fuck my friends. Like THEY even give a shit about me either. I could slit my wrists and no one would find me. And if they did no one would even give a damn.

I'm so fucking ready to get out of here. I can't do this shit anymore I SWEAR I'LL GO INSANE.
i'm so lame i wasn't even invited to any parties.

i can't even go get fucking shitfaced.
i'd be so pretty with a fucking hole in my head, with my body crumpled on the floor, blood and brains scattered everywhere. so fucking pretty. I wish I had the courage.

The theme of the night is relapse, so I'm going to binge, purge, and cut to my fucking trampled heart's content. A great way to bring in the new year, huh?

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[29 Dec 2005|02:31am]
[ mood | stupid as shit. ]

So another year has almost ended. What do I have to show for it? Not a DAMN thing.

I have a broke down piece of shit car, a piece of shit computer, bad grades, about 50 extra pounds, and oh goody, these stupid feelings are back again! Why am I so ugly? Why am I so stupid? Why am I so fucking OIWKLKW$JS?

Why was I made?
Why can't someone fucking be in love with me when I'm in love with them? Just once, please, for like 2 days. I'd be so happy for those two days. You don't understand how happy that would make me. I just want something, because right now I don't have a DAMN thing.

I have no purpose here.
What is this thing called life anyway?
Why don't I just slit my motherfucking wrists?
I want to CUT myself and FEEL something besides this shit.
I want to PURGE my fucking fatass body of this DISGUSTING food that is making me even fatter.
I want to fucking SLEEP so long I never have to wake up.
But most of all I just want to get OUT OF HERE AND START ALL OVER AGAIN.

If I could have one wish, it would be to relive my life all over again.
Why can't I just fucking have this one thing?

and nobody cares
and i don't fucking expect them to.
it's not their place to care about me.
why should they?
they're too busy caring about more important things.

I hate everything the way it is now.
I need a change.
why can't I just run away?
I could make it on my own
I don't need anyone.
I've NEVER fucking needed anyone.
and nobody's ever fucking needed me.
and I just need some help
because I think I just need a little help.
everyone needs help every once in a while, I just need it more often.
so please, someone, help me, ANYONE, just help me.
I just need some FUCKING help is all. but nobody ever will. nobody ever has. not even when I fucking asked for it.

I HATE THIS. I'm so motherfucking crazy and I'm so glad nobody reads this.

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I wait for the postman to bring me a letter. [06 Nov 2005|09:28pm]
Sick of it. Sick of it again.


I want it to be January 31st. Then I want it to be August.

Dear God,
Please help me. I am in need yet again. But please, if you do only two more things for me in my entire life, I think I'll be happy. 1) please help me to from this point on do the best in ALL of my classes for the rest of my school years. I am talking top-notch grades in everything. Please God. My future depends on it. I HAVE to do well, God. I cannot disappoint myself nor can I disappoint my family. 2) Please help me to get accepted into all fo the colleges I apply to, and especially the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. Please, God. I want to show them that I can do it. No one believes in me. Not even me a lot of the time. But I need to prove them wrong and I need to succeed. I can't be a failure too. My mother was worked too hard her entire life for me to waste mine. Her sacrifices were all for her children. One of those children betrayed us and ran away. Another one died. I'm the last in line, Father. Please don't let me let everyone down. Pakisuyo. Mahal kita, Tatay. I don't want to live like this any more.

Much love,
Jeremy Aaron Farmer.
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[21 Aug 2005|02:21am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

it sure would be good to get drunk and/or high as hell tonight.
sooooooooooo tired.

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Is it really here where the loss of my innocence I've been missing so much? [17 Aug 2005|11:42pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

I just LOVE how everyone in the whole FUCKING world has had sex except for me.

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